Sex With Cars
Would you rather bang your mate, or your car?
CLASSIC SEX CRAP column first appeared @ E-Crap on 12/15/2002)
Warning Ė this started out being a rather innocent column. But somewhere along the way, it turned. Perhaps reaching a new Sex Crap perverted low. Please bear with me, and read the entire column before answering the question above!
As stated, this column started out rather innocently. I was out with a purely platonic male friend a weekend ago, and we were driving on a highway. Suddenly, I saw his neck strain, and he told me to "follow that car." The car in question was a brand new Jaguar XK8 convertible. Black. A very nice car, that I recently learned sells for about $80,000. As I began maneuvering my $20,000 piece of tin in and out of lanes, I asked why I was suddenly being turned into a road-rager. My friend told me that a gorgeous blonde was driving the car, and that he had to have her. Letís see... the blonde DRIVES an $80,000 car, and my friend MAKES about $80,000 (though I think he makes much less). He does not look like Brad Pitt, though he is cute in an iconoclastic sort of way. Perhaps he was slightly overplaying his hand?
We followed her to an upscale shopping strip mall, where she turned off the highway. Luckily, she was not traveling out of state! She parked, and I obliged (again) to park several aisles away. Finally, we saw her begin to emerge. She was attractive. Long blonde hair, and very svelte. We watched her enter an upscale womenís clothing store. Of course, my friend made me go with him into the same store. It was a small store, and we were able to get within a few feet from her. I had no idea if he was actually going to approach her. I hoped not. Instead, he tugged at my coat and motioned for us to leave. When we were back in the car, I asked him why he supposedly "wimped out." He said he was being silly, and that he just wanted to see her. I told him she was not that attractive. He said I was crazy, that she was one of the hottest women he had ever seen. When he said that, I again asked him why he didnít approach her, and he said he caught site of a rock on her finger the size of Pluto.
For days after, I wondered whether my friend was attracted to the woman, or the car. Or, the woman because she was driving the car. If the car had been a Ford Focus, would I have been weaving lanes that day? Similarly, if the woman driving was a portly brunette, would he have given a second glance even in that car? I wasnít sure, but I knew it wasnít solely the woman. While attractive, she was certainly older than my friend (he is 30), and most men I know tend to fantasize more about younger women. So was it the car, or the fact that the woman was driving the car?
The question made me think of the role reversal at play. How many men try to impress women through the cars they drive? Many, I believe. How many guys still "cruise" up and down populated areas in cool cars, hoping girls take notice? Many, I believe. And how many women are shallow enough to actually date a guy because of the car they drive? Some, but I think the parity among car prices (where a guy can buy a BMW and a Honda for about the same price) has made this more difficult. To really impress a gal with only a car these days, he might need to go to the next price level Ė like the Jaguar described above. I repeat, an interesting role reversal at play.
I turned to the Internet (as I usually do) to do more research on the subject. I was about to turn to my male and female friends who are members at www.sexyads.net, but before I e-mailed any of them, my focus changed when I came across an interesting Yahoo Discussion Group. The group is called "Objectum Sexuality" and basically deals with having sex with objects. And one of the most popular objects discussed there is a car. When I began reading some of the entries, I thought I had just entered the car sex equivalent of an AA meeting. Among the excerpts I read...
"Hi my name is...I have had several relationships with my cars in the past few years. My current lover is Katrina-Mitsubishi GT3000... Her body and tailpipes are gorgeous and love to lick her all over before switching the engine on and screwing her tailpipes-this has to be done quickly unfortunatly... Every time I get into her I can feel her spirit very strongly. This sounds odd I know..."
Needless to say, I knew I had found something more interesting than my original quest. And I needed to explore further. What I found were countless web entries, sites, and methods all relating to men having sex with their cars. On website http://www.geocities.com/gnxlover/, the writer acknowledges...
"What do you do if you are sexually attracted to cars? You find ways to have sex with them! How does one go about having sex with a car?... I'm amazed to find that this is a global fetish. Since Americans are so car centric, I assumed that most of the people I'd meet would be American. However, I've met people from many different countries including those with governments that would probably put you to death for car sex..."
One of the most popular methods deals with using the tailpipe for penis penetration. As detailed at http://blackroses.textfiles.com/sex/sex-cars.faq, the author discusses different processes complete with diagrams, and even telling of some of the items used to have sex with a car. Among the more poignant moments include telling the readers to "NEVER f*** a car with the engine on" and he goes on to tell us we "now have several options for f***ing your car. One major one is from behind. If the car is automatic shift, then put the car in Park and remove the emergency brake. This will enable the car to rock back and forth to your thrusts." The writer goes on to say "Another major method is to lie down under the car, your upper body under the car, and thrust into the car. It is difficult, though, to make the car rock unless you push on the closest rear tire" and "What you should do is get behind the car and start jerking off. When you are about to come, carefully put your cock into the tailpipe of th
e car, and then come."
The more I searched, the more I found on the subject. http://library.gaycafe.com/nifty/gay/sf-fantasy/the-mechanics-nightmare included some ideas and thoughts that even I decided against quoting for the column.
Then, I came across fetishes relating to cars. Ones such as "pedal pumping," which is defined as "anyone who enjoys watching male, female, gay, lesbian, and cross-dressers (TV's) push, pump, and floor the gas and brake pedal of a vehicle." For more on car fetishes, including rubber burning, check out http://koti.mbnet.fi/bootfet/car_play.html.
As always, Iíd love to hear some opinions from readers on the subject matter. Have any of you had sex WITH your car? Iíve had sex in a car, on a car, next to a car, but personally never with a car. Am I missing something? If so, tell me how you think a woman might accomplish the act! :)