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The E-Crap
Halloween Party, 2007
A Staff
Writer Gets Trumped at This Year's Soirée!
E-Crap, NY/NJ - It was that
time of the year again, when E-Crap staffers and
contributors alike get together to celebrate one of our
favorite holidays of the year - Halloween. The site's big
cheese, Bag, decided to throw a little wrench into this
year's party... it would be totally costume. In other words,
the only invitees allowed in would be dressed, and all
others would not be admitted.
The invite list was
extensive, with formal invitations reaching some of the
biggest names in sports (Mets' David Wright, NASCAR's Mike
Bliss, football's Marco Battaglia), music (Huey Lewis,
Shakira, Jon Bon Jovi), television/radio (Survivor's
Amber Brkich, Howard Stern's Sal the Stockbroker, Larry
David) and modeling (Rita Granberry, AKA Rita G.). Also,
countless up-and-coming models from agencies throughout the
country were invited, and asked to dress their sexiest for
future E-Crap spreads.
When I arrived at the secret
lower-Manhattan location, the party was in full bloom.
So who actually showed up?
I will say that several
guests asked not to be identified, and I will honor their
wishes. Something like those annoying Vegas commercials
where "what happens there, stays there." And lots
happened here this night, which turned out to be the sexiest
night of the year. The attendance was slanted with many more
women, unless of course some of them were men in drag. I
ended up hanging with the big cheese for about an hour, and
we spent the time greeting people, and checking out some of
the models. In our travels, we came across a certain famous
PGA professional who freaked out every time someone took his
picture ("will you stop flashing the god-damn camera
every time I'm about to drink!"), and another famous
female golfer who was probably too young to be there (of
course she was not drinking alcohol - that was punch, dammit,
punch). We saw the star of today's hottest film, all the way
from some other country, partially nude. And unfortunately,
we saw far too much. But he was busy chasing that famous
singer who kept belly-dancing by us... rumor has it that his
next movie will take place in Colombia, after he finds out
he's no longer obsessed with an American sex symbol, but the
Colombian one. We just hope that movie is a lot funnier than
this one.
Later, we joked with a former
singing sex symbol turned wife and mom who no longer makes
school-girl videos. We asked her what she was dressed up as
(our guess was she was impersonating Rosie O'Donnell or
Roseanne Barr) but she surprised us when she said she was
not really dressed up. We quickly threw her on the scale,
and when the magic number appeared, quietly escorted her out
of the party (rules are made to be broken - but only if you
look hot, not fat). When I returned, I ran smack into one of
the richest men in the world, who was blatantly trying to
hit on my date for the evening. When I tried to intervene,
he looked at me callously and said "Do you know who I
am? Who the hell are you?" I told him, and he told me
"You're fired." I told him I did not work for him,
and he asked me who I did work for. Several minutes later,
he came back and again said "You're Fired! I just
bought your stupid website for pennies and a free apartment
in one of my buildings." As he walked away, groping my
former date, I wondered if it was true. Was I truly out of a
job, and a potential romantic evening, on Halloween night no
less?
I figured I'd better revisit
with Bag to make sure the firing (and perhaps the
date-stealing) was just a Halloween hoax. But Bag was way
too preoccupied with a model named Janaen (pictured, left) who had flown in
from Houston to attend. They were looking too cozy, and I
noticed she was holding the "sexiest costume"
award. I asked him when the voting took place, and he just
smiled, unable to keep his eyes off her - shoes. Every two
minutes, another look at her shoes. And everything else on
the way down. Shoes. More shoes. An award. More shoes. Legs.
Shoes. I asked again about the award, and he said I missed
the voting. I asked him about the apparent site purchase,
and he smiled again as he got a little closer to Janaen. I
asked him if I should bother reporting to work the following
day, and he said yes. But when I took my own liberty to
check out Janaen's, um, shoes, he grabbed my press pass,
looked me square in the eye and said "you're
fired." He then walked to the stage to announce Janaen
as the winner of the sexiest costume award.
As for me, I left soon
afterward. Being fired twice in an evening had a slight
effect on me. That, along with losing a date, and not even
being able to glance at the gal wearing the sexiest costume
(by the way, the costume was only part of it - she was sexy
period). I showed up the next day, and still had a job.
Then, I was told we'd be doing it all over again in December
for Christmas, and to start getting the invitations mailed.
Then, I ran smack into Janaen, who was invited to the
offices to do some shooting for a future E-Crap model
spread. And she whispered to me what she'd be wearing to the
Christmas party, which put a smile on my face. Now, all I
need is for bag to let me check out her - boots.
If you're interested in
attending the E-Crap Christmas party, send me a detailed
letter as to why you're E-Crap material, what you'd bring to
the party, and whether I'd be able to check out your, well,
shoes. And guys, please understand this is my one chance to
fantasize, and you're not part of my fantasy.
Kaneman
for E-Crap.com
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