Beat a "Crippled" Baghdatis?
CLASSIC SEX CRAP column first appeared @ E-Crap September
By now, most everyone knows
that Andre Agassi extended his career early this morning by
knocking off the #8 seed from Cyprus, Marcos Baghdatis, in a
nearly 4-hour long thriller. Going into the match, I thought
Agassi was going to get smoked. I've seen Baghdatis play
before and he is the real deal. A 21-year-old up and coming
star, already in the the world's top ten rankings. Quick
feet, powerful serve, and loads of confidence bordering on
cockiness. And after watching Agassi struggle the other
night against a stiff with a bad back and diarrhea, I though
he's be no match for the upstart Cyprusian (Cyprusite)?
The match was tied 4 all in
the deciding 5th set when Baghdatis' thighs cramped up. He
had been treated a little while before by his trainer, and
the follow-up cramps happened during a live game. The
officials would not let him receive medical attention, as
they deemed it the same injury. Either he'd have to wait for
the game to end and players to change sides, or he'd have to
forfeit the match. For the next several minutes, Baghdatis
hobbled, fell, grimaced, stumbled, but fought gamely. Even
had several break points, but ultimately ended up losing the
game. Then, during a two-minute stoppage, his trainer was
able to provide some care. While he ended up losing the
match soon after, he seemed to not have any further serious
cramping issues. And even if he did, it would not have been
an excuse for losing to Agassi. He should have wrapped the
match up long ago instead of falling behind by losing the
first two sets.
As Baghdatis lay writhing in
pain on the court, I had a (typical) strange thought...
would I be able to beat Baghdatis in a one set match if he
were in the same crippled state he was when he first
received the injury? I am not a good tennis player by any
stretch, but at one time I was fairly decent. While I
haven't even picked up a racket in about ten years, I could
probably still find a way to hit the ball over the net.
Would that be enough? I even devised a bet - if he loses
he'd have to hire me as his press agent for one year. And if
I lost, I'd do my best to get him a date with E-Crap
columnist and former Playboy model (and columnist) Rita G. Granted, I remember
seeing Marcos' girlfriend (or acquaintance) at a recent
match cheering for him and she was model quality... but I
think he'd play along.
So before I had my people
contact his people, I started thinking about the strategy I
might use. I pictured that first serve of Agassi's after the
injury, and how Marcos barely even made a move after it.
Well, that was accentuated since the serve was about 120
MPH. My serve would be more like 50 MPH, so even a crippled
player could probably reach it without exerting. And once
reached, he's return it for a winner since I have little
range, or court sense. Okay, so I decided he'd probably
break my serve every game, even if he was playing on his
ass. Hell, he could probably wiggle via ass to the ball
faster than I could run to it, and hit the ball with a lot
more authority. He did hit a ball from between his legs last
night (don't go there! :) The problem I was running into in
my thinking was that any time he was able to remotely reach
the ball, he'd probably hit a winner. Then, I wondered if
maybe my best chance would be to break HIS serve. He seemed
to have some problem turning his hips with the injury, often
making his serves wide to the middle of the court. But even
if he stood straight and changed his form, he'd still have
enough zip to ace me most times.
Before I thought anymore, I
realized how much of a loser I had become. I couldn't beat
Marcos Baghdatis if he was crippled, lying on his ass, or
even if his freaking hands were tied! How do I know that?
Because after he missed a shot last night, he playfully put
his racket handle in his mouth and swung it. And when a
mouth racket swinging scares you, perhaps it's time to
forget the bet. Sorry Marcos, but you'll just have to meet
Rita on your own!